Barkerburgh

The hobbit you just called fat? He’s skipping 2nd breakfast. The dwarf woman you called ugly? She spends hours braiding her beard so you can differentiate her from a dwarf man. The Uruk-Hai you just killed? He’s been abused by Saruman. See that Gollum creature with the gangly limbs & large eyes? For 500 years the Ring poisoned his mind. That Elf you just made fun of for crying? She just lost her wizard friend to a Balrog. Put this as your status if you’re against bullying in Middle-Earth.

Christine O’Donnell, I saw you on Piers Morgan last night. You are a coward and a fool. You are silly, shallow, and willfully, even pridefully, ignorant of so much. You should be, but never will be, ashamed of yourself. Just keep running away, you ninny.

For thirty-two  years now, The Simpsons has been bringing us their annual Christmas special, entitled ‘O Treehouse of Comfort and Joy,’ and these are some of my many favourite sketches from those episodes.

T’was the Night Before XYZ-mas or ‘Which Way Is Depth?’

- In which Homer finds himself in a 3D shopping mall, 10 minutes before closing time on Christmas Eve with a gift  list and money from Marge, a long lineup at every store and a delcious smelling  food court about to close, and learns a lesson about sharing.

‘Santa’s Little Helper, It’s A Wonderful Dog’s Life!’ or ‘Bark, The Herald Angels Sing’

‘Hello, You’re Troy McClure And It’s A Wonderful Life Story!’ or ‘You May Remember Him From Such Christmas Movies As “Death Takes A Holiday At The North Pole” And “Naughty Little Christmas Girls II”’

‘Fat Tony, It’s a Wonderful Life on the Lam!’

A Wayland in a Manger or ‘The Little Drama Boy’

- In which, as a child,  Mr. Smithers understudies  the Baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant at private school and learns a lesson about sharing.

‘Governor Mary Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life in Public Service!’

Merry X-Moe’s, Barney Gumble!

Scratchy Itch-mas!

‘Apu Nahasapeemapetalon, It’s A Wonderful Life, Again!’ or ‘The Little Dharma Boy’

Springfield Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

- In which Clark Griswold and family visit his cousin Homer with special guest voices Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo, who also voices surprise guest Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh out of rehab again.

‘Kearney, Dolph and Nelson, It’s a Wonderful Life of Crime!’ or ‘All I Want For Christmas Is Your Two Front Teeth’

- In which the bullies of Springfield Elementary are taught the true meaning of Christmas by having the crap beat out of them by three spiritst, and then a cyborged Martin Prince from the future, no lesson intended at all.

Who Put the Elf in Springfield?

- In which a drunken elf falls off Santa’s sleigh and is raised by Moe as his own son, until he is called away to join the Fellowship of the Ring in the quest to destroy the One Ring in the fires of Mount Doom in  Mordor.  Moe eventually figures out he should have sent the elf instead.

A Visit From Snake Nicholas

- Snake robs everybody in Springfield – including the pawnbroker -  on Christmas Eve, then can’t fence anything, and learns a lesson about sharing.

‘Crazy Cat Lady, It’s a Wonderful Nine Lives!’

Homer For Christmas

- Homer can’t get to first base with Marge during their Christmas Eve snuggle, and learns a lesson about sharing.

‘Hi, Doctor Nick! It’s a Wonderful Life Support!’

Itchy Scratch-mas!

Springfield…with Children

- Homer accidentally invites his second-cousin Al Bundy (Ed O’Neil) to visit from Chicago with his family (Katey Sagal, Christina Applegate, and David Faustino) for Christmas.  The Simpsons’ marriage is almost destroyed by the Bundys’ bickering until Homer’s guardian angel (Sam Kinison) shows him what life would be like without Marge.  He ignores his guardian angel until Marge’s guardian angel (Rosanne Barr) shows up and shows him what Marge’s life would be like without him.  Lisa’s guardian boddhisattva observes but does not interfere.  Mo’s guardian angel councils suicide.

‘Bumblebee Man, It’s a Wonderful Life Cycle!’

‘Moe Szyszlak, It’s A Wonderful Duff!’ or “I Shaw Three Shleps Come Shailing In”

- In which Moe is encouraged to reconsider his annual suicide attempt by seeing what life would have been like without him.  He is visited by three spirits; but not the ones you’d expect, this being about Moe.  He was right in the first place but the rope breaks again.

‘Sideshow Bob, It’s  A Wonderful Life Sentence!’ or ‘How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bob’

‘Professor Frink, It’s A Wonderful Half Life!’ or ‘Claus and Effect’

‘Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermot, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumer, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Qbert, Phil, Condoleezza Marie, Rubella Scabies, Gummy Sue, Carl Durant,  Birthday, Baby Jesus, Crystal Meth, Dubya, Incest, International Harvester, Jitney, Whitney, Mary WrestleMania, and Stabbed In Jail Spuckler,  It Ain’t Such a Wonderful Life Being on the Naughty List Every Year, Now Is It?  Shut Up and Eat Your Kitchen McNuggets!’ or “Aint’ We Got One Two Many Kids in There, Brandine?”

‘Kang and Kodos, It’s a Wonderful Lifeform!’ or “Why, Yes. Quantum Presbyterians Do In Fact Celebrate Christmas But We Do It On Sarvok 18. The Date, Not the Planet.’

‘Lindsay Nagel, It’s a Wonderful Life Insurance Policy!’

‘Bender Bending Rodriguez, It’s a Wonderful Past Life’ or ‘Kiss My Shiny Metal Asterisk, Ampersand, Octathorpe, Percent Sign, Caret, Interrobang!’

- In which Bender is visited by three spirits (Rye, Scotch, and Screech) and shown what life would have been  like without Homer Simpson.

‘Krusty the Klown, Have a Nice Day!  And Since You’re Not Doing Anything Anyway, the Orphans Could Use a Santa’ or ‘Claus Celebre’

‘Sea Captain, It’s a Wonderful Life-Preserver!’

‘Hans Moleman,  It Wasn’t Such a Wonderful Boy’s Life!’ or ‘Never Mind…’

- In which Hans Moleman is reminded what a lot of dull, uninteresting childhood Christmases he had, guest starring Charlie Brown as the young Hans, with special guest star Lucy van Pelt as Lucy van Pelt.

‘Who Put the Grief in Springfield?’ or ‘The Year Mr. Burns Stole Christmas,’

‘Abraham, Martin, and John; One Grinch, One Nerd, and One Mad Scientist’ or ‘If We Three Can’t Get Christmas Back from Mr. Burns, Then No One Can!’

- In which they don’t.



I’m just going to call him Attila the Hutt.

1> Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies.

2> Rivers and seas boiling.

3> Forty years of darkness.

4> Earthquakes, volcanoes.

5>The dead rising from the grave.

6> Human sacrifice.

7> Dogs and cats living together.

8> Mass hysteria.

9> Michael Medved seeming almost reasonable on Reliable Sources

Spielberg, Lucas, CGI-porn dumbasses (including Spielberg and Lucas, fer Christ’s sake), take a lesson, fer Christ’s sake. Yeah, there was CGI, but CGI in service to the story, not instead of a story, and it was a buddy-movie, it was a love story, and it, without pissing on them, referenced films like 2001 and Silent Running, and I don’t remember what. Pardon my Klatchian.

FACT! The two main characters of ‘Fringe’ are Americans played by Australian actors!

FACT! The title character of ‘The Mentalist’ is an American played by an Australian actor!

FACT! The main character of ‘The Glades’ is an American played by an Australian actor!

FACT! Two of the main characters of ‘Without a Trace’ are Americans played by Australian actors!
–
There are strange parallels to the clever plot detailed in this documentary!

The commercial window shattering anarchists at Toronto’s G20 were in fact in the pay of an international cabal of glaziers. No other explanation, because nobody could be that fucking stupid for real.

Finally saw Indiana Jones and the KIngdom of the Crystal Skull. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, sit on your hands. Now. No new movies until you come up with an original idea. New characters, new plots, new scenes that aren’t ripped-off pseudo-homages to our own works or others’. Certainly it’s true that in the great wide world of all kinds of SF&F, it’s all been done, but if it’s not what you do anymore, in any subgenre, for any age group, in any style, it is certainly how you do it. Do better. Or do nothing.